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You hear a suppressed laugh coming out of your ladyfriend’s mouth as she motions to her friend to go to the bathroom. She tells you the unfortunate news that her "bladder" can’t handle all of this, when you should very well know that your "waterpark" of an outfit is the real catalyst. She tells you that it was very nice to meet you,
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2 Expensive Liquor
You just got off work, and got a call earlier from some friends about going to a club. You don’t have plans tomorrow (big surprise), and agree to their proposal. After trying to inflate your biceps with a quick milk jug workout in the kitchen, you put on your snazziest wingtips and basically float out of the door and into your rusty Honda Civic. You’re feeling good. The kind of good that makes people want to spend money.
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An hour and fifteen drinks later, you open your wallet to purchase one more at the bar. Upon arriving at the club tonight, you could have fanned yourself with the contents of your wallet. Now it is a black,
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Realizing you are broke, you decide it would be best to just leave in defeat as opposed to stay and be squandered for more of your non existant cash. You ride home blasting every Bret Michaels song you know, crying all the way.
Upon arriving at the club with your friends, you find yourself fortunately intoxicated and decide to go dance with some randoms. Things are going good maybe even great. Numbers are being exchanged, they’re being witty and responsive, and the one you decided to dance with has eye catchingly large boobs.
And what glorious boobs they were.
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4 Embarrassing Pictures
It’s 11 AM. You don’t know where you are,
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Once you arrive outside, the extent of last night starts to come back to you. The lights of your car are bashed out, the seats were neatly torn apart and thrown into the street, the windshield has a huge indentation of an ass cracked into its center, and somehow you don’t mind. All that matters now is getting home and getting to sleep. By the way, you’re still naked so let’s hurry this up. Thank God you don’t own a Vespa.
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In your barely conscious state, you quickly remember a camera being present last night. In two seconds flat you are logged onto Facebook, ready to untag yourself from the pictures that could literally tear your career limb from limb. You see the red notification number that reads "476". You die a little inside.
Finally, you’ve worked up enough confidence to select "See All Notifications". Before your click is even audible, ghastly images violate your computer screen in a way that you never though possible. Your mind is flooding with the events of evening, as the pictures let you glimpse into the horrors of what happened at that club last night. You vomit all over your keyboard while you hurriedly erase these memories from a recountable database at least officially.
Now who’s the asshole who brought the camera.
5 The Pity Dance
Feeling kind and charitable, you decide to go to a club with your coworkers. First of all, these people are lame, and won’t help you in scoring the vagina that you so fervently desire. That’s a given. Most of them are fond of talking about their shitty life aspirations, and are incapable of picking up the hint that nobody cares. Needless to say, you’re frustrated.
So now you’re all pounding down drinks together. Larry, the douchebag from finance, is buying your drinks in order to carry out some kind of companion bribery scheme. You don’t mind. You hate Larry, but you love drinking. As far as you’re concerned,
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Pretty soon the girls from the office start dancing. None of them are in any way attractive, so you take pleasure in avoiding them. Then you see Margot. She’s the new girl with the horse face and noticeably different sized boobs. She’s standing all alone,
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"She looks sad, man. You should dance with her."
After you let this completely retarded statement fade from the air like an overpowering bowel movement,
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"Yeah man you should dance with her! Look how depressed she looks. Don’t be a dick." Says Jake from management. You feel the pressure building behind you.